The Modern American Conservative Olympics

Midcan puts on his conservative / republican / libertarian / cynic's hat.

I often hear the conservative right say that many college degrees and studies are useless because the real value of education is in turning the endeavor into a money making product. The arts are often criticized and many studies have no direct correlation to the market world. So watching the Olympics this week has brought to my attention a major flaw in the games, they are all useless in a market money driven world. I mean, who is going to pay you for swinging around on parallel bars, or swimming back and forth, or running fast. These could be valuable activities if the police were chasing you, or the playground was well equipped and you want to show off, but come on folks, markets don't care about these things. Synchronized diving, you gotta be kidding me! So how about some real American sports?

So many things in our nation concern guns and the Second Amendment that an automatic weapons destruction event was planned, but given the recent massacre in Colorado out of respect we'll have to delay this game till the 2016 Olympics and hope and pray few mass killing occur between then and now. This game is canned for now pending our long history of guns and death.

Walmart Shoppers special in Aisle: In this game contestants randomly push their carts through a massive store when an announcement is made that there is a special on foreign made products in aisle(?). Winners are judged on number of products loaded in cart in a set time, and then checkout time and bagging times. Great American sport and medals, also made in China, are awarded to shoppers and cashiers too.

Ad Watch: Since TV so dominates our society and much of the information is nonsense why not test the 'market reason' for TV, contestants in this game will watch one hundred ads and using the Walmart super store again be asked to run aisles as quickly as possible selecting the products shown in the ads. Scoring and medals will be awarded in several different categories: product ads that that are selected most often, number of products in cart, and fewest incorrect choices.

Texting and driving: Participants are scored in many diverse environments, and score is based on the number of successful texts sent and received minus the number of people run over or the number of times participant's simulated auto hits markers while driving. If ad signs are hit while texting ten points will be removed from the Olympians score. Text messages sent and received must exceed 100 characters and twenty words. No points will be deducted for nonsense text as most texting is nonsense.

Cell phone Use: With various levels of difficulty, Olympians talk while walking through parking lots, wait in line at superstores, and of course drive while gabbing. Score is based on number of words spoken given numerous obstacles.

Trash: America is filled with trash, whole mountains appear outta nowhere. This takes us back inside our Olympic superstore and its aisles of odd shaped packages. Goal is to create the highest and widest pile of trash in one minute and forty five seconds. Variations on this are single, double, or team trash building Olympians.

Fast Food Drive through: Major corporations first provide ad alley. Goal then is to select from a thousand item menu, the winner is determined by number of items in the least amount of time. Scores are an accumulation of items, calories, and advertised products.

Well folks whaddya think? Ideas for games are appreciated, but remember games must reflect modern American preoccupations with money and markets. Money and markets demand customers with energy. Some of my conservatives friends say we should get rid of the Olympics altogether as it costs money and creates too many gamers, they think these athletes would serve money and markets better in restaurants, superstores, and golf courses, among other more practical work, others take an alternate view and wonder if the market games would not convert the few people who still think life should be enjoyed, and these market games only adds to the conversion of Americans to blind asleep consumers. [midcan takes conservative hat off and laughs loudly.]


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