The Greatest Inauguration of all Time

FNI has confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt or any doubt at all that the inauguration of Donald J Trump will be the greatest, most wonderful, most splendid, and most likely miraculous event in all of history even surpassing Roman Emperors.

Dignitaries will appear on a massive jumbotron praising Donald, several dignitaries who have passed were video taped so they could be part of a president already rated above the likes of Washington, Lincoln, and Franklin Roosevelt.

Russian President Vladamir Putin will preface the event with a lip synced Pledge of Allegiance to America and Russia while First lady Melania will plagiarize Eleanor Roosevelt and Margaret Thatcher with a speech filled with tough love and let em eat cake lines in a dress that cost more than most Americans make in three lifetimes. Later the voices of John Barron and John Miller will emanate from the jumbotron singing how great he is.

President Trump's speech has already been rated right next to the 'Sermon on the Mount, it will ask not what you can do for your country, but how you help Donald become a billionaire in the next four years, it will be added as an addendum to the Bible and taught at Charter and Christian schools everywhere.

The Reverend Makemoney Jr will offer a pray that the rich pay no taxes with footnotes to include contacts in Swiss banks and the Cayman Islands. Call in phone lines will be run on TVs so Americans can donate to the ceremony, to building the Wall, and to pay for Trump Tower services as well as Mar-a-lago shrubbery and lawn work. Included in the speech will be information on making your organization, home or whatnot tax free and your generous gift tax free too.

Lottery tickets, t-shirts, baseball caps, and vodka will be sold by 501c vendors covered by Citizens United, no tax will be imposed on profits. Big sellers include T-shirts with Donald and Vladimir, current president Obama and Hillary behind bars, emaciated Mexican children trying to climb the Wall, Vodka duty free ads, Muslims being loaded on ships, and wealthy Americans surrounded by cash singing hallelujah ain't we great, ain't Donald great.

After the Donald has delivered his speech, 'From Russia with Love' will be sung as vendors tabulate their earning. Come one, come all, you voted for the greatest now give all you can, thanks for large gift donors will be broadcast live. Collection buckets will be passed around at this point to pay for the minister's palatial palace and that 'Wall' down south.


Speech outline text subject to change. 1st Draft

'Fourscore and a few years ago our forefathers brought forth a nation where some said give me liberty or some said give me freedom and they asked not what the nation could do for them but what the free market would do for some. Kidding kidding. Mine came from Germany anyway. Fellow Americans I want you all to know we will be great again and what a wall you're gonna build in the spirit of can do America, your taxes will add gold to the white house just like my Trump tower, and you'll once more be able to buy your own healthcare free of government regulations or any regulations at all should you be able to afford it in the first place, if you're young who needs it anyway, right. You have nothing to fear unless you're Mexican or Muslim or Hillary or a democrat or trans or a women. Actually I like women so long as they walk behind me, I'm on number three now, three I married that is. Foreign women are the best, American women are way too pushy. I was kidding this whole election, but look where it got me. Amazing huh. All those speeches, all those words, I was great wasn't I, I have a good brain. I gotta give myself extra credit, how about those TV ratings during the debates, I should be paid, I got the corrupt and lying media so much advertising. I may have my lawyers look into that. Little Marco, lying Ted, no energy Bush, beat them all. And how about my cabinet, talk about inclusive, rich people, racists, antisemitics, conspiracy folk, even a token black. He thinks he is gonna fix the inner city, my family sure has made lots from government housing. Now I can sign off on my own housing projects.

And folks my policies will be great too, no more worries about global whatever, I have selected people for my cabinet that have nothing to do with science so we should be good for mining, drilling, polluting, and smog for years to come. Pipelines everywhere. So what if a little of Florida is under water, my voters live inland at gated resorts and places like the Villages. My faithful fans and followers will be fine. Education no worries there either, we'll have plenty of workers as public education remains underfunded and our Charter schools keep the cream at the top. Throw in a few Christian like schools and my base will only grow. We've had enough civil rights laws and financial regulation, let the speculation begin, too big to fail will be changed to we're so big we can't fail.

Well folks don't forget your baseball caps and t-shirts on your way out. If we are gonna be great you gotta wear my stuff and my buddy Vlad profits too. And don't believe the rumors, my sons ain't gonna hunt in Washington, they're looking more towards ducks and other vermin on the Chesapeake. It is gonna be a great four years, maybe eight if I can con enough people twice. Kidding kidding. Enjoy your day folks and buy buy buy make America great and me even greater if that is possible. Soon you'll come to love me as I love me.


(subject to change without notice or reason)

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